I wrote the following in 2004 for a comedic website called OrangePlatypus.
Okay, let me start off by saying this is coming out about three months in advance. I'm giving this disclaimer in advance as well -- please do not send me poorly-written e-mails containing a defense of Kevin Costner, various swear words and the spelling skills of a crippled and blind child from Pakistan.
If you're like me then you think Kevin Costner is a dolt. He writes and directs the gayest movies since Xena started taking testosterone. Now, you may have seen the previews in your local movie theater for this movie. If you have, you can join me in filing a class action lawsuit against Touchstone Pictures to get them to pay for the years of psychological agony this simple 5 minute preview will cause.
Anyhow, Kevin Costner, who has made the crappiest of movies lately (including the trashy Sci-Fi drink your own piss to survive movie, Waterworld, the Sixth Sense rip-off Dragonfly, the embarassing Non-Fiction/Historical movie Thirteen Days, and the apocalyptic "wish I'd never have wasted my time watching this movie" The Postman) decided he'd continue on his string with a Western movie about gay cowboys eating pudding.
I'm warning you right now, do not go see this movie. Kevin, in his attempt to ressurrect his days from "Dances With Wolves" decided to do another "historical" movie set in the old west. Did I mention Robert Duvall is in this too? Playing second fiddle to Kevin Costner? The out of shape Kevin? The slightly old Kevin? Like a Frenchman's armpit is smelly, Kevin is out of shape. Like Elton John is gay, Kevin is old.
The latest piece of crap Kevin has decideded to push out is called "Open Range." This movie is about, and I quote from their website, "four men living together in the Wild West band together." This entire movies is about defending their cattle. These four go on an absolute rampage and the writing has never been worse. For example, when Kevin talks to Annette Benning (his girlfriend in the movie) about leaving, he says "men are going to get killed here Sue. And I'm gonna do the killin'."
This brings up another issue. The WTO. Kevin obviously sent all this writing to China and just signed his name on it so as he could spend more money and time on the special effects... like making him presentable in public. While a laudable goal, absolutely impossible.
And who's fault is it that Kevin's career blows chunks more than my ex-girlfriend's excursion into porn? Peter Pan. Yes, that's right. An imaginary Disney character who flies around to Never-Neverland, abducting children and playing with pirates. Kevin says, "if I've been guilty of anything, it's not wanting to grow up. It's what we call the Peter Pan syndrome. It's just sad really." Yes Kevin, "we" call it the Peter Pan syndrome. Wait... no... I call it the "washed-up actor drags on his career with shitty films because he's to egotistical to have good stars, good writers and good directors" syndrome. Although... you are right about one thing, it is sad. Really.
